It's not how much you drink, it's how much I wanted to drink
Updated: Dec 6, 2021
"It's not how much you drink, its what drinking does to you"
This past weekend I was in Vail Colorado with my extended family, and it gave me some great opportunities to think about and evaluate my drinking and how I would've lived the same trip just two years ago. It helped me to understand how much alcohol controlled my life 24 hours a day, whether I was drinking it or not. Sober(dry) or not, it ruled my thoughts, controlled my plans and it's availability affected my mood every damn moment of the day.
I don't fully understand the medical side of the disease or 'situation' (if that helps you to call it), but I think that I chased that fist sip 'Ahhh' rush of relief that alcohol gave me, until the moment I passed out. I think the feeling that I got from that first drink was so great, but 2 things also were apparent. The buzz was great, but it was never enough, I wanted more of it NOW, and secondly, the buzz that I loved was very short lived. It started to fade immediately, and I ended up spending the remaining conscious time chasing something that I never found. Regardless of how much I drank, I never reached 'that state of perfection' that I started to feel, hoped to capture forever, and wanted to feel forever, never have to feel without it ever again.
That first sip gave me hope for what I could feel like inside, but it never lasted, was never as good as I wanted it to be, and tried to leave my body as quickly as it appeared. The only chance I had was to drink continuously in a vain attempt at keeping a feel that never fully materialized and never lasted regardless of my efforts. No matter how drunk I got, I never found the perfect feeling or 'it', but maybe, just maybe its in that next beer!
Vail would've been a weekend that gave me no more joy than any other weekend alone in my basement. I would have been looking past the scenic views to see if there was a 7-11 in the background that I could sneak away to later to see if that magical 'it' was hiding in one of the beers that they had in their cooler.
Now you might understand why I refer to my sobriety date as my 'Freedom Date'! 2/3/20 was a day when a whole lot of weight was lifted from my shoulders. I never ever want to pick up and carry that load again!!