Two years ago, I had dreams. I was very close to giving up, and accepting defeat. What most people call hell, was something I saw as a viable solution for me. Looking back, what was I thinking, but it makes me realize just how serious and dangerous this 'situation' that I live with can be.
Have you ever looked at losing it all as a dream? Have you ever envied a life that others fear? I did, and it makes me sick to my stomach, sad for others that feel like I felt.
I had actually played out the scenario of losing everything in my life as an actual freedom for me. Two years ago I felt freedom from the loss of love from my family, the loss of responsibility to a family, the loss of a demanding job, and the loss of having to be something that took work, might finally give me peace. I actually had thoughts wondering how it would be to live in a cheap one bedroom apartment with everything that brought me happiness at the time. I could actually see the benefits of living alone, with a couch, a tv, unlimited beer and isolation. Free to drink as much as I wanted without the fears of judgement or of being caught. It would provide me Isolation from interruptions, demands or expectations from anyone and everyone. I actually saw peace from being able to wake up to nothing, and to be able to start drinking again eliminating any reality from my life. I was so over-whelmed with self loathing, disappointment in myself, fear of life and its responsibilities. I was ready to accept that 'what could be' had become "what will never be'. I was finding that peace in my life occurred when I was able to turn it off, and that switch was only found at the bottom of aluminum cans.
How fricking sad is that! It almost seems unreal to me now, but it was very real. That is how low I had sunk. I had lost my ability to dream, I had lost my ability to believe or anticipate anything about me or life. I didn't want to die, but I sure as hell didn't want to live. I wanted to survive, but I was ready to accept hell as my life, as long as I could numb it our 24 hours a day.
Thats how close this dude was to THE bottom. I was there and it makes me sad to look back at that man I call me. Not sure how I pulled out of that 'flush' of life, but a big thanks to whomever or whatever it was that saved my ass!!
Thank you all for giving me the gift of 'living' again. Thank you all for giving me 'hope' again, and giving me a reason to believe in me, and what can be if I work for it. Your stories, your smiles, and your support have given me what I was no longer able to give myself! Sobriety gave me the tools to function, but connection gave me the tools to smile and to be.
It sure is nice to be home with my family where I belong! I was so close to losing it, too damn close.