The Fantasy of Drinking Again

When I romance the thought of drinking, it's amazing how my mind forgets to add in the ugly parts that always occur. When I see friends enjoying drinks at a dinner party, my mind somehow forgets the parts including the drive home, the lying at home, the panic of trying to find more alcohol when I get home, the very un-social drinking that I will do alone in my home, the feelings I will have in the morning including remorse, guilt, shame and a complete loss of self-respect, as well as the look on the face of that person I will be forced to make eye contact with in my bathroom mirror. Unfortunately for me, I can't pick and choose which events will occur when I drink. They are a package deal.

The vision of what I would like to see when I drink never seems to match my reality. Is that a once in a while result, or is that my norm? Have I ever been able to change the endings of my drinking days? Do i really honestly think that this time things will be different?

I can't make a change when I still believe that the 'next time' is going to be different. It was only when I accepted the fact, not the exception, that when I drink, I repeatedly end up doing and living the same ugly repeated scenario every single time, regardless of my intentions.

I wish it was different, but its not. I wish I could change how it unfolds, but I can't. This is me, this is my deal, and wanting and hoping it will change hasn't worked in the past, and isn't going to magically start working tomorrow. It is what it is, and the sooner that I accept it, I can address it, learn to deal with it, and live a life that is no longer controlled by it.